A Spider
by Vaneria Potter
Summary: An authorized follow-up to Lamiel's hysterical fic 'An Elk', which should be read to fully understand some of the references. Thranduil's snarkily irate return 'gift' to his Lothlorien cousin.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, or any of the associated characters, and Lamiel owns the fic that prompted this one, which I reference with their permission._

_Summary: Can be read as a stand-alone, but is a follow-up to Lamiel's hysterical fic 'An Elk', which is well worth a read either way, and will help make sense of some of the references. Thranduil's snarkily irate return 'gift' to his Lothlorien cousin._

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**A SPIDER**

Celeborn the Wise, Lord of Lothlorien, Prince of Doriath and Husband of Galadriel, knew something was wrong well before the panicked messenger even came into view.

Admittedly, the screaming that echoed all the way from the northern border to Caras Galadhon _was_ something of a clue, as was the all-too-rare expression of bemusement on his wife's fair face. "My love, when you said that you were sending King Thranduil a 'gift', what exactly did you send?"

Feeling insulted that the Elvenking did not feel that Celeborn was 'Wood-Elf' enough to represent all of the race at the White Council, even though Mirkwood and Lothlorien were two separate realms in vastly dissimilar situations as far as the encroaching Darkness was concerned, Celeborn had sent Thranduil a great Elk as a steed to ride into battle, with a note saying that a woodland king should have an appropriately woodland mount to ride.

The fact that an elk's natural gait was a walk, its charges short-distance and short-lived, made its rider look frankly ridiculous, was totally unsuited for nearly every kind of weapon, and that it would be difficult to find any potential mount _less _suited for battle (actually, Rhosgobel rabbits might even be more effective) was neither here nor there.

In hindsight, perhaps his choice of gift was in admittedly poor taste, and perhaps Thranduil had a point in his indignation at the dismissal and exclusion of his kingdom, but Celeborn was hardly about to send a second note apologising and offering to take the animal back.

Galadriel saw the humour, as he explained what happened in between issuing orders to the Captain of the Guard, but her eyes held a hint of disapproval. Born and raised a Noldo, she tended to take matters, even ones intended as a snide joke, a bit too seriously at times, while those who had not travelled to Valinor were a little more laid-back in their sense of humour.

The screaming was closer now, with elves actually swarming up trees to their _talans_ like squirrels, rather than ascending gracefully via ladder or stairs, as was their wont.

The reason quickly came into view. A giant spider, spawn of Ungoliant, scurried over the forest floor, two elves on its back, which explained why the warriors who guarded Lothlorien's borders had been so reluctant to shoot. They had clearly at least tried, however, as evidenced by a few arrows sticking out of the armor that covered the head and the sides of the spider's body.

Celeborn said something very impolite, which he almost certainly wouldn't have repeated in front of company (Galadriel was his wife and, with five brothers, had heard worse), trying to decide how best to rid Lothlorien of the beast, without sacrificing his kinsmen.

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It turned out to be un-necessary, as the two elves turned out not to be held captive, but to be _riding_ the Fell creature, complete with reins! Had proximity to Dol Guldur finally sent some of the Mirkwood Elves insane, that they would attempt to_ train_ the spawn of Ungoliant? What would be next; training the wretched things to hiss and click accompaniment to the _N__ú__menoriad?_

And if it was his Royal cousin's idea of a return gift, then simply killing it had the high potential to turn into a diplomatic nightmare far worse than the arguments about Mirkwood lacking a representative at the White Council.

Which was almost certainly what the son of Oropher and ruler of Mirkwood had in mind, if the uniquely _Thranduilion_ smirks that the messengers were making very minimal effort to hide were anything to go by.

Deciding not to send any retaliatory gift to the elf who had managed to keep his realm more or less under Elven control, despite having the Necromancer and the Dwarves of the Lonely Mountain as his nearest neighbours and lacking a Ring of Power, Celeborn mentally called the Elvenking something that drew an almost shocked look from the Lady of the Golden Wood, who was fortunately standing _behind_ and out of sight of the messenger princes, and opened the missive from Thranduil that had accompanied the 'gift'.

_To my dear cousin, Lord Celeborn the Wise, Prince of Doriath and Lord of Lothlorien, I send greetings._

_It has been many centuries since we dwelled as brothers-in-arms in Doriath, on the banks of the Sirion. Yet no length of time could cause me to forget the friendship I hold toward my Silvan cousin, who has evidently lived so long in his peaceful realm that he seems to have forgotten what war steeds are, or why we ride them. Please accept this gift as a token of gratitude for the mount you have sent me._

_Yours in Friendship,_

_Thranduil Oropherion  
__Elvenking of the Woodland Realm_

Celeborn supposed that he may have deserved that.

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_A/N: Just to be clear, I am not attempting to bash any of the characters, though I do think it unfair that Mirkwood is not only the only Elven realm without a ring of power or some kind of mystical protection (Doriath had the girdle of Melian), but also the only one lacking a presence on the White Council._

_The N__úmenoriad__ is made up, and can be credited to __**Jastaelf.**_

_Feedback on how well I did, especially as an authorized spin-off of another author's work, would be much appreciated. Flames will be ineffectually tossed at Smaug, who will be happy to explain the disadvantages of empty remarks to make yourself feel clever._

_Thanks,_

_Nat_


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I do not own The Hobbit, or any of the associated characters, nor do I accept blame for convulsive laughter, lost study time, or ruined keyboards as a result of eating or drinking while reading this or any other fic._

_Summary: See Previous Chapter_

_A/N: _**BlueInked **_and_** Swytla**, _I'm blaming you for this…_

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**PART TWO**

_Previously In Mirkwood…_

Legolas Thranduilion, Captain of Archers and youngest Prince of Greenwood, loved his father, but there were times that he really wondered about his illustrious sire.

Now was one of those times, as the King of the Woodland Realm had asked him to try to capture a Spider, in quiet revenge for Lord Celeborn of Lothlorien sending an Eru-damned _ELK_ as a war-mount, which had apparently been the other Silvan's idea of a gift.

The Patrol was a little late in setting out, largely because Legolas knew better than to take his warriors on a journey that required stealth when they were still bursting into spontaneous – though mercifully brief – fits of giggling.

Oh, the mischievous, often hidden, side of him was inwardly dancing with glee at the idea, but the larger part that had earned him the reputation of being King Thranduil's most serious son was not looking forward to capturing – and possibly training – one of the huge Spiders that plagued the forest which had once been called Greenwood the Great.

His warriors shared the attitude, if the quiet arguments about the trouble of the King's request vs. the look on the faces of the haughty Lothlorien elves were any indication.

Most of them were falling on the side of the Galadhrim's expressions being worth any amount of trouble, and the possibility of sending a gifted sketch-artist with the party who would deliver the return gift.

His father wasn't the only one that Legolas occasionally worried about.

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Most thought of Giant Spiders as dumb beasts, separated from their cousins only by size and the ability to speak.

The Elves of Mirkwood knew better, fully aware that the while Giant Spiders might not be _AS _intelligent as Elves or Men, they were by no means stupid, and it was a fool who underestimated them. Their ability to rationalize and think made them dangerous foes, but it also gave rise to the occasional oddities.

This particular oddity, dwelling in the last of the infestations that the patrol had gone to exterminate, had been caught by surprise, but tried to escape rather than attack. The Prince's arrow severed the thread it had used to attempt to escape into the trees, causing it to tumble back onto the forest floor, and he made sure that the Spider was surrounded by his archers before he made it an offer.

This Spider was what Men would call a 'dreamer' – or possibly a 'village idiot' – who truly believed in the possibility of co-existence between Elves and Spiders, despite ample evidence to the contrary, and that was exactly what Legolas needed.

The Spider was male, so there would be no chance of it laying eggs and spreading the plague of Spiders to Lothlorien upon its arrival. In Lothlorien, it would not have to hunt for its food – indeed, the Elves would go out of their way to make sure it was well-fed – nor fear attacks from Elves, thanks to its status as a 'gift'.

Strangely for a Spider, it also had a sense of humour, and once Legolas explained the situation concerning gifts, it dissolved into a strange sort of hissing that the Elves presumed was the Spider version of laughter, rolling onto its back with its legs twitching in the air.

Legolas reminded himself to apologize to his oldest brother for not believing his story about going swimming and being caught naked in a Spider-web while walking to fetch his clothes, escaping because the Spider was laughing too hard to notice him working his way free – and then tease the older prince mercilessly for the next century or so.

He patiently waited for the hissing to die down, before continuing to explain that the Spider would have to at least act the part of a War Mount for a little, if only to achieve proper dramatic effect in Lothlorien and prevent it from being shot on sight in Mirkwood. Happily, the Spider found this agreeable enough, as part of what it viewed as a huge joke.

Wondering if the world had gone insane and he just hadn't noticed, Legolas turned his patrol, with its new accomplice, back to the King's Hall.

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Thranduil had a quick temper, could be whimsical, and was currently offended by Lord Celeborn, but he wasn't cruel or totally irresponsible. The Lothlorien elves getting a swift taste of exactly what their Mirkwood cousins dealt with on a daily basis was well-deserved, in his opinion, but he didn't want the Necromancer to get a foothold in the Golden Wood, either.

Listening to his son's report on the attack on the spider nests and the capture of one, Thranduil swiftly devised a plan. If the Spider viewed the impending visit to Lothlorien as a huge joke, perhaps it would be willing to play another, larger joke by making a nuisance of itself in Lothlorien for a month or so, then taking itself off to the Misty Mountains after 'escaping' and make an even bigger nuisance of itself to the Orcs and Goblins who might see it as an ally.

This Spider was the first to encounter King Thranduil and survive to tell the tale, and the Elvenking was an intimidating personage even in a good mood. It didn't need Man-level intellect to figure out that if it returned to Mirkwood after its journey to Lothlorien, all bets were off and the Mirkwood archers wouldn't hesitate to turn it into a giant pincushion.

Spiders were not picky about exactly what fell into their nets, however, and Orcs would make as good eating as Elves. More, even, since they came in larger numbers.

Yes, this would be a good arrangement for all concerned.

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_Later In Lothlorien_

A month later, Celeborn watched the Galadhrim attempt to force a hissing, struggling Spider roughly the size of a draft horse into a newly built stable and wondered if the potential loss of his best robes was worth writing to Mirkwood for advice on how to get Shelob-strength webbing out of fine silk.

He decided that it wasn't, though perhaps it would be best if the Royals of Mirkwood stayed away for a few decades, until the border-guards (and Celeborn himself) had a chance to cool off after the little fiasco.

Meanwhile, he hoped that Thranduil – and his sons, who were doubtless involved and obviously gleeful about the trouble they expected the spider to cause – fell into their own enchanted river.

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_A/N: Yes, I did a follow up, thanks to requests and comments about wanting to see how the spider was caught. _

_I made the spider a willing participant, because I honestly don't see how anyone could train a giant spider without the kinds of methods that Elves wouldn't touch with a ten-meter pole. As intelligent beings, there will have to be some consent - and making it worth their while - involved here._

_Thanks,_

_Nat_


End file.
